This is a really hard blog for me to write. I will probably think 10 times before posting it. I am so tired. In every way possible. I didn’t think it was possible to be this exhausted, but it is. It really is. I’m posting this because someone needs to read it, even if that someone is just me…
You should probably know right off the bat that this isn’t an inspirational piece of writing, nor is it a feel good quip for your day. This is my real life, written with my messy heart…
The world tries to tell you that it’s possible to fix yourself. 10 easy steps is all it takes to be the very best, at whatever you put your hand to! Right? Riiiight? Well, no.
Believe me, I have tried.
Depression is the most debilitating thing I have ever experienced, the most influential voice in my life as of late, and my worst nightmare. The funny thing about depression is that, unless you’ve experienced it, not sadness, or frustration but the real deal… (the keep you up late at night staring into the abyss, the inability to see things in color, being unable to focus or comprehend that life is actually happening around you, that reality that smiling is something you’ll never understand again, that realization that nothing actually matters, that moment when the tug of sadness in your heart turns into nothingness, and numbness takes over, the angst of knowing without doubt that life is meaningless and death begins to sound so sweet, depression)… you will NEVER understand it.
I don’t say that to make you feel bad if you’ve never had to deal with it. Please rejoice over that! I say it to make you aware that it is a reality for a lot of people. Don’t say you’re depressed if you’re just sad, it’s a bigger deal than you think. If somebody you’re close to, confides in you about their depression, please take it seriously.
Anyways. These past few months, I have been dealing with the real deal. I have battled depression and thoughts of suicide for as long as I remember. I have done a super good job at speaking life into my own life since Jesus rescued me, and I have surrounded myself with people who breathe life into me as well. Those things are very helpful to me.
BUT.
These last couple months though have been some of the darkest months of my life. Very few people know how dark this season has been for me. I have friends that have had to check up on me every day to make sure I am still alive. For them, I am very grateful.
I have lost all faith in Jesus, His existence, His faithfulness, and His Goodness…and it is slowly being restored. Even when it feels as though my very soul has been gutted out and I can no longer feel His presence, I have to believe that He is there and has a plan for me.
I’m not writing this for any reason but to bring hope to a community of Christians whom I know battle with the same heartbreaking illness.
As I sit in this coffee shop alone, I know that I’m still in deep, but I also know that I can’t fix myself. He is the only fixer that can permanently fix that deep.
Don’t you dare give up. There is hope. His love surpasses all understanding. He hasn’t left. He hasn’t given up. He is for you.
He has conquered the grave, and the keys to the Kingdom are ours! We are coheirs with Christ and seated at the right hand of the Father with Jesus, Himself.
Tetelisti
ThirtyOne29 