Cheers 25 years…

Dear year 25,
I will admit, I was terrified to meet you in person, though I’m unsure why. A lot of people say that you’re not that intimidating, but just the thought of you makes my stomach turn. You see, I’ve always thought I’d be a lot farther along, milestone wise, by the time we met. I can’t tell you that’s true though, I’m sorry.
Though those giant milestones that I expected to have experienced by now have yet to pass, some really cool things have happened.
Let’s review:
I met the love of my life, Jesus, and He’s the single most incredible person EVA!
I ended up with super cool people.
I successfully moved away from 300 days of rain (aka Portland).
I discovered some really fun talents I have!
I kicked fear or of my life… it was just holding me back anyways.
I went from romantic, to practical, to finding a balance.
I don’t really know who I am completely, but I’ve got a really nice foundation, and I learn more every day.

So, 25, I have to let you know even though I have dreaded meeting you, we are going to have SO MUCH FUN!

We are going to go on adventures, we’re going to follow dreams, we’re going to love harder, give more, and kick butt.

Yours,
Jenessa

Wide awake with my eyes wide shut…

This is a really hard blog for me to write. I will probably think 10 times before posting it. I am so tired. In every way possible. I didn’t think it was possible to be this exhausted, but it is. It really is. I’m posting this because someone needs to read it, even if that someone is just me…
You should probably know right off the bat that this isn’t an inspirational piece of writing, nor is it a feel good quip for your day. This is my real life, written with my messy heart…

The world tries to tell you that it’s possible to fix yourself. 10 easy steps is all it takes to be the very best, at whatever you put your hand to! Right? Riiiight? Well, no.

Believe me, I have tried.

Depression is the most debilitating thing I have ever experienced, the most influential voice in my life as of late, and my worst nightmare. The funny thing about depression is that, unless you’ve experienced it, not sadness, or frustration but the real deal… (the keep you up late at night staring into the abyss, the inability to see things in color, being unable to focus or comprehend that life is actually happening around you, that reality that smiling is something you’ll never understand again, that realization that nothing actually matters, that moment when the tug of sadness in your heart turns into nothingness, and numbness takes over, the angst of knowing without doubt that life is meaningless and death begins to sound so sweet, depression)… you will NEVER understand it.

I don’t say that to make you feel bad if you’ve never had to deal with it. Please rejoice over that! I say it to make you aware that it is a reality for a lot of people. Don’t say you’re depressed if you’re just sad, it’s a bigger deal than you think. If somebody you’re close to, confides in you about their depression, please take it seriously.

Anyways. These past few months, I have been dealing with the real deal. I have battled depression and thoughts of suicide for as long as I remember. I have done a super good job at speaking life into my own life since Jesus rescued me, and I have surrounded myself with people who breathe life into me as well. Those things are very helpful to me.
BUT.
These last couple months though have been some of the darkest months of my life. Very few people know how dark this season has been for me. I have friends that have had to check up on me every day to make sure I am still alive. For them, I am very grateful.
I have lost all faith in Jesus, His existence, His faithfulness, and His Goodness…and it is slowly being restored. Even when it feels as though my very soul has been gutted out and I can no longer feel His presence, I have to believe that He is there and has a plan for me.

I’m not writing this for any reason but to bring hope to a community of Christians whom I know battle with the same heartbreaking illness.
As I sit in this coffee shop alone, I know that I’m still in deep, but I also know that I can’t fix myself. He is the only fixer that can permanently fix that deep.

Don’t you dare give up. There is hope. His love surpasses all understanding. He hasn’t left. He hasn’t given up. He is for you.

He has conquered the grave, and the keys to the Kingdom are ours! We are coheirs with Christ and seated at the right hand of the Father with Jesus, Himself.

Tetelisti

I am a coward.

I am a coward.
I say this, not to be self defecating, but as an honest assessment of self.
I am a coward.

I am choosing to tell you this, as my very first act of bravery. The life of a coward is the worst possible life, of that I am convinced.

Sure, there are benefits to being a coward…
Comfort being the most important to me.
You’re seemingly unchanging.
The experiences you have today are seemingly the same as the ones you had yesterday.
People always know what to expect of you.
But there are also cons to being a coward… namely, never getting to excel at anything. You never learn anything new, and you certainly don’t get to experience the greatness called life.
Cowards cower when opportunities show their face.
Cowards don’t ever create real relationship.

Cowards live in fear.
I am a coward.

I believe a person’s reaction to fear is a huge part of what really defines them.

The way I see it there are 3 types of people as far as fear goes:

•There are those that embrace fear. They understand that it’s a thing, accept what they are afraid of, and move on.
•There are those that ignore fear choosing not to see it as a negative or a positive.
•But then, there are the creators. These people will create either incredible or terrible scenarios out of their fear, in their mind. They are the ones that allow fear to run their life.

Fear runs my life. I swear I say the words, “what if” more than I say the words, “God can”, Every. Single. Day.

How sad.

Starting now, I’m making an effort to be brave. To say the things that are really heavy on my heart, without thinking, “what if they stop being my friend?” Or “what if I’m wrong?!”
A real friend will understand and respond with grace, and it’s okay to be wrong.
Starting now, I’m choosing to walk in the favor of the Lord, instead of thinking, “what if I’m not blessed?” Or, “what if He forgets about me?”
Never have the righteous been forsaken.

I will choose to step outside my comfort zone. I will choose to trust the Only King.
I will be as Daniel in the Lion’s den. I will be as David in the field with the Philistines. I will be, like Rahab, and Esther and Ruth. I will trust through my fears, that God has a purpose and a plan for the moment I am in.
When the time comes to be brave I will not stand down for anything.

I am blessed.
I am brave.

Sisters.

As I write this, I’m sitting in the backseat of a SUV and the only sound I can hear is the rushing wind that is audible when driving fast through the wilderness.

I’m tired.
I’m exhausted.
But in the best way.

I’m on my way back home with a pep in my step and a greater hope in my heart.

I have seen a new part of the heart of God this weekend. I’m sure of it.

I am a whimsical romantic, it’s true. It has become dormant in me in the past few years, however, for whatever reason. On a whim, I decided to go to my hometown with a friend on Saturday, (I needed to get tests done anyways).

Words cannot describe how the Lord blessed my heart this weekend.

On a whim, I ended up in Portland. I immediately arrived in my sister’s company where I was then whisked off to the ocean. If you know my heart at all, you know that the ocean is my most favorite of places and that my sister and I have never had a real “sisterly” relationship.

The oceans connect me with the Lord in a way that I’m sure most of you understand, and if you don’t, please, I urge you… Go, seek, find.

To address the issue with my sister, I will only say this, she is quite a bit older than me so we did not grow up together. We are almost polar opposite in personality. Also, yes, she is my only sibling. We have always been at different stages, and probably always will be.

On the way to the beach, I was silently talking to God, asking for a divine encounter. To which He responded with an almost audible, “watch this”.

Sister and I had a blast at the beach, and for the very first time, it didn’t matter the age difference. We got matching sweaters. We collected an insane amount of whole seashells at the shoreline. We watched the sunset and took what felt like a million selfies together. There was no stress, no premise, no walls up. We were sisters.

I snapped this picture of her without her noticing.

I saw a strength in my sister that I’d only ever seen as weakness before. I felt peace restored in my soul as the ocean flooded over my feet. I heard God whispering a love song I’d never heard before.

A lot of other wonderful things happened while I was on the west side. I got to see my best friend, I got to hang with my mom, and definitely visited my favorite bookstore… But this memory of our beach trip will resonate within my heart throughout my entire life.

there’s nothing like the love of a sister.

All my love.

Easy

Yes. That is the image I have chosen to represent my year thus far, and it’s only one week in. I am laying on my bedroom floor laughing right now.

I like to think that I’m not the only one with a ridiculous life. So, I’m still holding onto that.

James 1:2-6 is what I’m clinging to right now. When it feels like nothing is going right, I know that I still have the Savior of the World in my side.
I know that if I have patience through this scary, and insane season, I will be complete and lacking nothing.
I know that I will gain wisdom. Verse 6 tells me to ask in faith. It is not in the nature of the Lord to lack compassion on the broken Saints. His heart is that of a father’s and I intend to continue to trust Him with mine.
I feel like I’m insane and I know a couple other people already think I am. I am a Daddy’s girl, and I know He won’t stop being faithful now. I trust Him. 
I will continue in my attempt to be excellent even especially when life isn’t easy.

All my love.

It’s only one day…

January One.
I’m going to be honest, I hate New Years Eve, and New Years day. In my 24 years, I cannot recall a single New Years celebration that has been exceptionally incredible. This New Years Eve was relatively fun though, because I spent it with friends.

Anyways, I’m not writing this post to describe my perfect New Years celebration, but to jot down how my Excellence “goal” is going.

It’s only day one and I’m overwhelmed. I can’t recall a single thing I did that was outstandingly excellent. I guess that’s why resolutions don’t start until January 2, Amen? 😉

I’m wondering, as of now, if my word shouldn’t have been, “resolve”. I’ve recently come to the glorious conclusion, that I can do ANYTHING! (With Christ who strengthens me)…
I have resolved to make decisions that are universally beneficial, to treat the world as my Oyster, to do as I say I will, to honor those around me, as well as myself, and to make tough decisions without regret.

So 2014, I resolve to make you the best year yet. I know there are incredible things in store for me. A year from today I plan to read this and laugh, knowing just how far the Lord has taken me, and how excellently I lived.

All my love

Excellence

Proverbs 31:29 AMP

Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.

My word, resolution, this year for life, is to end up at those pearly gates hearing my dad tell me that I have lived excellently.
To hear Him say those words? That I have done so well to serve His name, and to advance His Kingdom? That is my one sole desire.

As a daughter of the one true King, it is an honor to be His.
My choice to live, love, and lead excellently is solely for the delight of Him.
Every day I will wake up and choose to be the Light of the World and the Salt of the earth by excellent character, integrity, self discipline and whole hearted faith.
I know that it will be hard, but what was easy that has been worth having?

With all my love♥